A Life Full of Sighs

I thought that  by now I would be used to certain things, but I am finding that I am not.  In a matter of one day's time, life has been turned upside down and inside out.  I can't say that I'm happy with the latest developments.  In fact, it makes me want to throw in the towel completely.

It was our first cub scout meeting of the year.  It was a simple parent meeting and fundraiser kick-off meeting.  Hardly anyone showed up.  The meeting was, by all means, basically useless.  I spent two days typing, copying and stapling packets for the parents, but I ended up coming home with almost the same amount I went with.    This wasn't the issue, however...

One of our leaders decided last year to screw over their boys.  This leader never contacted her boys to inform them of camp outs, pack activities, etc.  It was bogus, to say the least.  A mother of one of the boys came last night and informed me of how her son's den was being run last year.  It was horrible.  The leader concentrated more on her own boys fighting than anything.  She didn't inform the boys of anything.  The mother stated that she hadn't heard from the leader in months.

I spoke before I really thought.  Typical of me.  I told the mother that I would take over the den until I could find a leader for them.  It's nothing new for me.  I've somehow managed to run two dens at once two years ago.  It was maddening, but necessary.  It was either that or lose those boys.  This is the same type of situation. 

I care a great deal about the scouts, especially my den.  I have come so close to quitting numerous times, but then I think of my den and I remember why I do it.  I remember why I devote so much time to scouting.  I swear I have the best boys ever.  I've grown so attached to them, and if truth by known, so has my kids.  My kids pick on the boys in my den as if they were related to one another.  It truly is a wonderful thing.

I love the parents in my den, as well.  There are no better parents.   I swear.  One of them is our assistant cubmaster and the other one would bend over backwards for us.   He will do anything that I ask of him, as long as he's around.  He's an amazing person!  

But I'm realizing that my happiness in scouting lies with my den.  I'm happiest at my den meetings.  My hubby is happiest at den meetings.  Committee meetings, emails up the wazoo, etc. can be for the birds.   And it's for the birds now...

Also for the birds right now is church..  I never thought I would get to the point where I'm fed up with it all.  I've almost reached that point.  I love church.  I love the things that I do there.  I love mission work, especially, but with our 150th anniversary celebration coming up in two weeks, things are starting to get crazy hectic and busy.   I'm in charge of it, and I don't have many people waving their hands in the air and yelling, "What can I do to help?"

It's disheartening actually.   I love the church that I attend.  It's a small country church that was built back in 1861, and it is loaded with charm.   It was the one things that made me keep going back.  It's a spruced up version of what it was when it was first built.

I stayed because, with the pastor's help, a huge wide door opened up and showed me all that I was missing in my life.   I was shown how absolutely wonderful it feels to open up the heart and just give to someone else.  It is an amazing feeling to be able to do something for someone else, especially someone that you've never met before.

I had started a mission at church called Bright Beginnings.  Members of the church donated new baby items, which I put in baskets and then delivered to a home for pregnant women.  I stood in the foyer of this home speaking to the director when a woman came downstairs to look at the baskets on the table.  Her reaction to them sent shivers down my spine, and I knew that this was something I wanted to do with my life.

Sounds corny, doesn't it?

I still get those shivers, and that is why I continue on with church.  I'm home at my church.  I feel like I'm home.  I care about it.  I care what happens within those walls.  I care whether or not the church survives for another 150 years, and I wish to God that others would feel that way too.

My hubby, the pastor and I spent 9 hours at church last week.  We painted the fellowship hall, moved furniture and decorated the sanctuary for Sunday's service.  By the time we got home, we were all exhausted.  Our feet hurt and were swollen from standing for so long.  But we did that because we honestly love and care about the church.

It's so damn difficult to find people to volunteer for things.  It applies for both scouting and church.  I've learned that no matter how much you beg parents to help with scouting, they will turn their back and pretend they did not hear you.  I understand that some people's lives are busy, but you know what?  Mine is a thousand times busier than most.   I manage to do it.  I succeed in doing what needs to be done.   If I can be a den leader for two separate dens, handle both popcorn sales and sit in the position where I am in charge of the entire pack, I think a parent can volunteer to be our secretary, for example.  This position takes an hour a month to do.  But I'll be damned if I can find someone to help.

The same applies to church.  I've had oodles of people sign up to help with the celebration, but it seems that signing their name to a sign up sheet is as far as they are willing to go.  It's sad.   The real kicker is that since I do a lot at church, people are growing tired of hearing my name.  Tough shit!

My pastor always says that we need to be the "hands and feet of Jesus".  I practice that, but why doesn't anyone else?  Why do they get so damned pissed off when I do it?  Why flood me with criticism?  Why not use that energy to make a difference instead? 

Ugh, I'm realizing that people annoy me to a great degree.  Don't get me wrong.  There are people out there in scouting and at church that I am wildly crazy about and enjoy spending time with.

Nancy and Donnie at church I'm bonkers for.  They make me laugh and they believe in putting themselves out there for others.  We get along so famously -- sometimes too much since we are constantly being told that we shouldn't sit near each other during services.  This makes me laugh..   I adore Kenny and his wife, and some of the older members.

Scouting would not be the same without the parents and kids in my den.  I sometimes think that I continue on just for them.  To be honest, I am afraid that if I were to walk away from scouts that we would probably not interact anymore.   The thought of that saddens me.   The boys are so connected and close.   It's wonderful to watch them interact with one another.  It's also wonderful to interact with the parents, especially Major because I can't remember the last time I met someone that I hit it off with so well.

Life is just so hectic right now.   I cannot wait until September 25th.  The church celebration will be over, and maybe I will get to breathe again.

I really need to breathe.

With Wild Abandonment

Sometimes I just like to write. This is one of those times...

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He glanced at her from across the room. Her eyes instantly locked with his and did not want to let go. His stare filled her with an incredible amount of warmth, and left her feeling vulnerable and innocent. She could feel his eyes caressing her and surrounding her. She wrapped her arms around her body, and she just held herself.

Her body began to sway slightly to the music that was playing at the party. It was an old-fashioned love song that she had heard a thousand times, and sang to herself a thousand and one times.

It was her favorite.

He watched her sway to the music. Her body, lithe and fluid, rocked effortlessly and exuded an intensity that he wished to surround himself with. He loved her, and he didn't even know her name.

He walked over to her and extended his hand to her. She stared at his hand, afraid to touch it out of fear that the electricity he would exude would overwhelm her. She watched his fingers shake as they extended themselves to her. It endeared him to her.

She placed her hand hesitantly into his. His fingers curled around her own and led her onto the dance floor. She looked up at him and smiled the sweetest and warmest smile he had ever encountered.

He slipped a hand around her waist, palm sliding against the smooth silk of her dress. He could feel the warmth of her skin beneath her dress, and it excited him. He had never felt like this about anyone during his lifetime.

She grabbed his other hand and held onto it. Together they danced. Their bodies moving in perfect rhythm as if they had danced a thousand times together. It was the perfect union.

Their bodies instinctively moved closer until they were pressed together. He pressed her hand against his chest, and she felt his heart racing. The beating of his heart seem to echo her own, as she could feel it in the base of her throat.

The music played on, and their bodies continued to move. Her heart was lost, as was his. Everything around them ceased to exist. The only thing that existed in his world was her. The only thing that existed in her world was him.

Strains of "I Can't Help Falling In Love With You" broke through their reverie, and their bodies stopped moving. He trailed his fingers down the side of her face and absorbed the love he felt radiating from behind her long eyelashes. His fingertips rested, for just a moment, against the fullness of her lips and she pursed her lips slightly to kiss them.

Neither spoke a word as the music ended. Neither made a gesture to move. All that mattered was the wonderment they found in each others eyes. All that mattered was this moment.

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There are times when a person needs to experience what they long for, even while knowing the experience will be brief.   For even if the moment lasts but mere seconds, it will create memories that will last a lifetime.  These memories can be relived and emotions can be revisited.  

Relish in the now.  

Absorb it.  

The moment may never again present itself again.

Grasp it.  

Now.