Absolutely Sinful

 

I admit to being a "sinner".  I say things I should not say.  I think things I should not think about.  I probably even do things that I shouldn't do.  Boy, it feels good to admit that.  

I attend communion and ask God to forgive me of my sins.  I bow my head and say, "God, I can't promise that I will never sin again, but I can promise that I will try harder."  Of course I say this while sinful thoughts rage through my head.  I suppose that makes me a faltering Christian.  I am guessing that 99.99% of Christians are the same.

I didn't really come here to write about that.  I am not too sure WHY I came here and started pounding on my keyboard.  I just.. felt the urge.

So instead of filling this blog entry with talk of religion and how I fail to be the "perfect" Christian, let's fill this spot up with nonsensical unknown quirks about me. 

 Are you excited?  

I'm not either.

When I was a kid, one of my favorite things to do was to create roads in the dirt and run Matchbox cars on them.  I would spend hours carving out these perfect roads with twists and turns.  I'd build dirt mountains and sand pits.  My bare knees would drag across the ground until they bled as my little hands raced these metal cars as quickly as I could.  

Dirt was my middle name and it still is.

I don't mind getting dirty.  If I am covered in head to toe dirt, I am happy.  It means that I actually did something and accomplished something -- or had a hell of a time trying to accomplish something.

 

I hate sitting around the house.  I'd much rather be doing something -- anything.  I occasionally have days where I find comfort in lazying around, but most times, I'd rather be busy.  It was our intent to stay home after church yesterday, but it was driving me mad.  I dragged hubby to the bowling alley and ended up bowling three kick ass games.  

I take immense pleasure in my surroundings.  I can stare for an eternity at a natural landscape.  There truly is beauty in all that nature has for us.  

I enjoy taking photographs.  I prefer taking photos of scenery over people.  People try too hard to impress the lense.  Nature stands in all its glory and does not -- and will not -- ever make a duck face.   The only time I do enjoy taking photos of humans is if they don't know I have a camera.  Natural, unknowing shots can reveal so much about an individual.  Some of my most favorite shots are those of people who didn't know I was photographing them.  

I prefer moments like now.  I am currently propped up on my bed with four pillows scrunched beneath my head.  My door is locked and the television is off.  The only light in the room right now is the glow of my monitor and the flickering of a small candle.  It's peaceful.  I cannot hear anything except the faint "clacking" of my keyboard as my fingers dance across it.   

I like solitude.  I like quiet.  I like having a space where I can think freely without interruption or hindrance.  Like now.. 

My pup just sighed in his sleep.  He must be content too.

One of the hardest things for me to come to grips with in my life is the inability to... 

Let's leave that one alone.

My favorite movie is Bridges of Madison County.  For various reasons.  I'm a sucker for romance.  The movie makes me weep and wish... 

I am a slut trapped in a lumberjack's body.  Figure that one out, I dare you.

I am obsessed with high heels.  The higher the better.  However, I only wear them during certain times.  

I'm not all innocence and sweetness.  I am far from that.  I am, admittedly, a nice person and will go to the ends of the Earth for another human being, however there is another side of me that isn't shown as much as it used to be.  

I feel like I've gotten soft in my old age.  Old.. ha!  I'm only 45, but there are days when I feel older than that.  I want to be light, free and like I used to be.  I never worried about life and I loved whom I chose to love.  I lived life with wild abandon.  

I long for that again.

I want that again.

I want to jump into a convertible, put the top down and just ride.  Let the wind whip around my hair and let my screams of happiness fill the world.  I will only take one other person with me.  Want to go?

Yeah.. ?

...yeah...

Where Dreams and Reality Collide

He walked up behind me and placed his warm hands upon my shoulders.

He leaned in close to my ear.  I could feel his hot breath flowing over my skin.

He whispered, "I love you."

My breath caught in my throat.  

I couldn't breathe.  

My hand flew to the base of my throat.  My fingers gently squeezed, as if the simple acting of gripping my own throat would help me suck in the air that I desperately needed.  

His hands slowly slipped off of my shoulders.  I felt cold.  I turned to face him.

I could see his brown eyes.  

I couldn't read them.  

I whispered to him softly, so softly that I could barely hear myself.

"I love you too."

He smiled.

"It would never work," he said as the smile left his beautiful face.

I stared at him.

Then I woke up.