...... skating between the two as I navigate life's twisting, winding road...

Monday, March 2, 2015

The Pain of Goodbye

Goodbye, although it has the word "good" in it, is the hardest word to say.   It's even harder when you have to say it to people that you have grown to truly care about and, most of all, love.    You would think that loving someone would make it easier to say goodbye merely for the fact that you'd want that person to be happy, but this isn't the case.   

I have reached a point in my life where I have to say goodbye to numerous people.  It isn't strictly one or two people, but more.  I honestly do not know how I am going to manage to do that.  It isn't something that I can plan out.  

My pastor is leaving in June.  He has had such a profound affect on my life during the past 8 years.   I cannot even begin to spell out all that he has done for me.  He gave me confidence.  He has shown me of my capabilities.  He was one of the first people in my life to show pride and awe toward the things that I can do.  He gave me a wonderful introduction to God and to religion in general.  He has been a mentor to me.   Saying goodbye to him will be crippling to a degree.  He has been a source of inspiration, humor, faith and wisdom.  

I'm in the middle of planning a goodbye party for him, and it's been hard to do.  I find that it is difficult for the both of us to discuss his leaving.  We avoid the subject when we speak.  We've bonded over the years.  I did, however, tell him that he couldn't go because we aren't done yet.  We had so much more work to do.  It didn't fly.  He told me that "I" had work to do and that I could handle it.  I'm not so sure.

My best friend told me yesterday that he and his wife will be selling their house and moving to Louisiana.  We had talked about this possibility.  He had applied for work down there about six or so months ago.  He just returned from a visit, and his wife has made the decision that they will go.   I will miss him severely.  He is the one person in my life that I can act like a 6 year old with.  He is one of the people in my life that I can be myself around.   I adore him.  

I am unsure of when he will be moving.  All I know is that I need to take advantage of the fact that he's still here.  His wife will not like it much.  She has severe issues when it comes to him and female friends.   He was supposed to walk me down the aisle at my vow renewal, but not only wouldn't his wife let him, she would not even permit him to attend.  But that is another story entirely.  

Family friends are also moving.   This is an especially hard one because it affects my entire family.  Their daughter has taken on the role of being my daughter's little sister, at least this is how my daughter sees it.  Even though they are years apart in age, they have developed a closeness.   My daughter is devastated.

My son and their son is the same age.  I was telling my son that they will be moving within a month.  He was not a happy camper.  He said that he will miss them, and I believe that.   

Things will not be the same.  

Church will be quiet without the pastor's presence and I will have to find my own way.  I will have to look above for the guidance that I need.  But it will not be given with the same level of warmth and humor.  

I will have to cage the 6 year old inside of me eventually... or maybe not, but it will not be the same.  He is a special soul.   His faith runs so deep and he leaves me in awe.  I will also not have anyone to take me for a ride on their motorcycle when it is 30 degrees out and I have no coat!  What a ride that was!  

Scout meetings and events will no longer be the same nor will the 4th of July.   

The memories will live on.  My first meeting of the pastor.  The motorcycle ride and the chewed gum thrown at me during church service.  The long text messages that often came as five separate texts.  The day I first met the father, the den meetings, state aquarium and camp outs.  The 4th of July and Memorial Day parade.  

While you want the people that you love to have a wonderful life and be as happy as they can be, it doesn't make it easy to say goodbye.   Goodbye is hard regardless.  

.. soon I shall be a memory, waiting to be erased...

I hope that I am someone that meant something to them.  I hope the memory of me will live and it is never forgotten.  

The precious memories that I have of them will be with me forever.  If I forget just a moment, I can open my journal and slowly flip the pages to relive the moments that I hold dear.  

Love is hard.  

I love... a lot.