...... skating between the two as I navigate life's twisting, winding road...

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Scouts and Balance

I often wonder if I would have done this differently or if I had done that differently that things may be different right now.  Oh what a terrible thing to think!  It creates this weight that lies on the shoulders and it can be crippling.  I will be crippled soon.

As my son begins his journey as a Boy Scout, I am witnessing the way they operate.  Everything running smoothly.  More parent volunteers you can shake a stick at.  Excitement galore!  

And this has left me questioning my own abilities running Cub Scouts.  Whenever my husband comes home filled with excitement over boy scouts, I wonder if there was something I could have done to make cub scouts better.  

Did I spend enough time planning?  Should I have been more demanding and bitchy toward the parents to get them more motivated to help out so I wouldn't have had to do most of it on my own?  Should I have just quit at the very beginning and never gotten involved at all?  

I am not so sure, but what I am sure of is that I have been having moments of where I feel that maybe I have let the cub scouts down.  Maybe our membership numbers would not be down if I would have devoted even more time to developing the program.    I am not so sure how it would've been possible to devote more time than I had, but the thought is there.  I'm not so sure.

I enjoy watching my son participate in boy scouts.  He makes a darn good one!  But at each meeting I attend, I am reminded of my utter failure in cub scouts.   I see the cub parents getting so excited over scouts.  They do whatever is asked of them, and seemingly go above and beyond.  This confuses me.

I am envious of the enthusiasm over boy scouts.  I am envious over the fact that they make it work, and I couldn't do it at the cub level.  I wish I would have been able to find a way to make parents excited to be a part of cubs.  I wish I could have had that same level of helpfulness from them.  

I had that with a parent, but eventually, he seemingly grew tired of it and stopped answering my inquiries for guidance and help.    I wish that I had that same level of enthusiasm in my own husband who played the role of cubmaster.   I didn't have it though.

I find myself getting angry over that enthusiasm.  I have wanted to shake my husband and say, "Why the hell couldn't you have been this excited over cubs?!!"

The cub scout slogan is "do your best".  I thought I had, but after seeing boy scouts, I'm not so sure. 

I had gone through so much bitterness, arguments and pure hatred over the past four years.  Old committee members and I butted heads in a horrific way.   I stuck around as they bashed me.  I fought back when I was called all sorts of names.  I held strong when they tried to break me.  I held strong.

But for what... ?

I see these people at boy scout meetings.  They will stop and make small talk with my husband while not even glancing in my direction.  My greetings are met with pure silence and hatred.   I acknowledge them without scorn or dislike.  We are all, supposedly, adults.   But ....

Scouts had a profound affect on my life.  It isn't an affect that was all good, either.  

I worked really hard, or I thought so at the time.   I never looked for that pat on the back or a reward.  It's not why I did it.  But in the same breath, my husband gets all the credit.  Everyone thought my husband did all the planning, the form filling, the phone calls to council, the emailing and the scheduling.  He didn't do any of it.   Everyone is always ready to pat him on the back.

.. pat on the back.. 

Oh it burns me.  It hurts me.  It angers me.  It makes me want to cry in pure frustration.  It makes me want to stand on a mountaintop and scream, "I DID THIS!!"

But it would undermine the things I had done.  It would cheapen my efforts and give it a light that would dictate that I did it for the "glory".  

After reading all of this back, it seems that scouts left me with a bitter taste in my mouth.  I am sitting here making a "lemon sucking" face as I replay it all in my head. 

Maybe I could have done it better, but most likely I couldn't have. 

It sure as hell taught me many lessons, but I feel like I am left with nothing more than scars.   Scars that represent all the hours I dedicated -- hours that should have been spent with my family.  Scars that stand for all the arguments my husband and I had gotten into over his lack of participation and help.  Scars that stand for the friends that I made, but have turned into acquaintances.   Scars borne from the hurt of the changing of those friendships.  Scars that represent the beatings I took and the beatings I continue to take from previous members. 

But Joe sent me thank you cards and told me stories about aliens.  Frankie hand wrote me a card and hugged me.  Ethan entertained me with his infectious sense of humor.  They still look at me during their boy scout meetings with this look of .. I hope I am doing this right..    I look at them and remember them when I first met them.  I remember their stories, their laughter and their willingness to succeed.  I look at them and find that I am extremely proud of their progress. 

I suppose it was all worth it, if for nothing more than the above paragraph. 

Perhaps I need to stop attending boy scout meetings. 

Perhaps I do..


Friday, May 3, 2013

Dream A Little Dream

I am a dreamer.  I enjoy the moments of solitude that allow me to sit back, close my eyes and let the mind run free.  I look forward to the nights of heavy sleep because it allows me to write, produce, direct and star in my own mini-movie.   

Dreams comfort me, entertain me and, at times, leaves me breathless and wanting more.  The mind has this incredible and amazing ability to give me what I want and what I believe I need.   I can feel what I so desperately want to feel.  I can see what my reality is hungering to see.  

... Our hands sliding across the table.. fingers interlocking... feel the warmth and security in that touch.. a silent promise...

I wake up breathless and panting.  My heart slamming in my chest.   I could feel the warmth.  I swear to God my fingers were still tingling from the touch.  I swear it was just happening....

I swear..

There is so much harsh reality in this world that it's nice to delve into a world that does not necessarily exist, but one that gives us what we want, what we believe we need and one that allows us to live out fantasies.  

Dreaming allows us to see things as we wish they were.  They give us the food to stave off our hunger, even if our hunger is satiated only temporarily.  We can see people that we haven't seen in a long time, and we can see people that we wish were lying beside us.  Our dreams allow us to relive the past, rearrange our present and plot our future.  

Dream a little dream.  

"If we're in each other's dreams, we can be together all the time."

Winnie the Pooh was a smart one, wasn't he? 

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Baby Announcement

I have a new member in my family.  I am just beaming with joy and pride.  I just had to share the news.

The new member came when I needed it most.  "He" will most assuredly provide me with many hours of peace.  Every second of that peace will be treasured.  

He's beautiful.  He's sleek.  He cries louder than a cat in heat!  

Please welcome my new baby into the family...

Even though I've had him for a few weeks, I haven't named him yet.

No one is allowed to ride him.  Not even hubby.  

He's mine!! Mine!!  Mine!!

While the boys are away camping this weekend, I will be using and abusing him.  Okay, maybe not abusing, but using.. yes!

He's so pretty :)


Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Change at the Toll

I hate change.  I prefer things to remain constant.  Swirling around the same path -- never venturing or veering off.   It makes me crazy to have things change, particularly if those changes come quickly and unexpected.   

I have grown into a creature of comfort.   When those comforts cease, it leaves me feeling a bit lost.  I find that I have to scurry to try to compensate for those losses.  Sure, I eventually find other things which fill me with warmth and security, but the loss and the feeling of flailing in the wind is not something I enjoy.

I am suffering from a loss right now.  I am unsure why things had to change.  Hell, I am not even sure when it happened.  I could not, for the life of me, pinpoint when it died.   Died it did, it seems.

When I realized it was gone, I was left with a bit of an emptiness.   I am confused as to why it disappeared.  I didn't want it to go.  I wanted to nurture it, bathe in it and hold it close to me.  

It didn't work that way.   It's gone.

Promises were made, but they were false ones at best.  I should have seen the transparency, however I was wearing rose colored glasses at the time, and all seemed genuine and real.  

It was false.

It's gone.

With it being gone, it feels bizarre.   I had lived with it for such a long time that it became a part of me to some extent.

I miss it terribly.

It is something that, although I will move on from it, I will miss it for the rest of my life.  I will look back on it with a great deal of fondness and it will probably still make my heart skip a beat or two.  

I wish it were still here.  I wish things were the same.

I hate missing things.