...... skating between the two as I navigate life's twisting, winding road...

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Change at the Toll




I hate change.  I prefer things to remain constant.  Swirling around the same path -- never venturing or veering off.   It makes me crazy to have things change, particularly if those changes come quickly and unexpected.   

I have grown into a creature of comfort.   When those comforts cease, it leaves me feeling a bit lost.  I find that I have to scurry to try to compensate for those losses.  Sure, I eventually find other things which fill me with warmth and security, but the loss and the feeling of flailing in the wind is not something I enjoy.

I am suffering from a loss right now.  I am unsure why things had to change.  Hell, I am not even sure when it happened.  I could not, for the life of me, pinpoint when it died.   Died it did, it seems.

When I realized it was gone, I was left with a bit of an emptiness.   I am confused as to why it disappeared.  I didn't want it to go.  I wanted to nurture it, bathe in it and hold it close to me.  

It didn't work that way.   It's gone.

Promises were made, but they were false ones at best.  I should have seen the transparency, however I was wearing rose colored glasses at the time, and all seemed genuine and real.  

It was false.

It's gone.

With it being gone, it feels bizarre.   I had lived with it for such a long time that it became a part of me to some extent.

I miss it terribly.

It is something that, although I will move on from it, I will miss it for the rest of my life.  I will look back on it with a great deal of fondness and it will probably still make my heart skip a beat or two.  

I wish it were still here.  I wish things were the same.

I hate missing things.

 


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