Standing at the Crossroads

When I was a young girl, I knew what I had wanted to do with the rest of my life.  I had my entire life recorded on a vinyl 33 1/3 rpm record.  All I needed to do was place it on the turntable, lay the needle on the edge so that it would fit neatly into the tiny grooves.  My life was going to play smoothly.  

It didn't turn out that way.  I had lessons that I needed to learn, disappointment to feel and love to experience.  I realize that now.  It only took me 43 years to figure that out.   But now I am at a crossroad.  I am unsure of which way to turn and down which road to travel.

The past three years have been life changing.  These past three years have seen me facing that childhood plan for my future.  I'm staring at it head on.  I can see the dreams again.  Faded and a crumpled around the corners, but it's there.  Staring at me.

I can't fulfill that exact dream.  It isn't possible anymore.  I am not sure if it ever was possible. 

I wanted to become a nun. 

Religion has become such a large part of my world.  It's constant.  It doesn't merely come to life on Sunday morning as I walk into church.  It is here all the time.  In my thoughts.  In my heart. 

It has taken me 30 years to get to this point, but here I am.  Standing here surrounded by God and doing things which make me feel closer to Him.   I'm doing what I had dreamt of doing, but not in the same capacity as my dreams.  I do not wear a habit nor do I wear a ring which announces my marriage to God. 

This bothers me to an extent.  I want to do more.  I want to devote myself to learning, experiencing and fulfilling my childhood dream as best as I can.  I can do that, can't I?  I'm not sure, because here I stand at that pesky crossroad.  Which direction do I take now?

I want to absorb the Word.  I want to learn it.  I want to know it backwards and forwards.  I want to wear it like a blanket and allow it to warm my very soul.   The problem is I want to learn it now.  I want to take years of learning and know it now.   It doesn't work that way.  

Patience, my child..

So I'm taking it a bit at a time.  Reading, studying, understanding.

But yet, I feel there is more.  There is something that else I can do.  There is something out there waiting for me.  In due time, I suppose, He will gently nudge me down the path that I need to take. 

I firmly believe that there is a path out there marked with a battered road sign that displays my name.  It's out there and it's waiting for me.  He placed it there for me.  I know He did.  

I just wish that I could take a peek ahead and see what lies on that road. 

Patience..  there is that pesky word again...


Patience..