Find My Way

"Now my path has gone astray
I'm just tryin' to find my way
Wandered here from far away
I'm just tryin' to find my way... "

-- "Find My Way" -- Nine Inch Nails

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This is what life is about.  This is what my life is about.  It's about trying to find my way through it all.  I'm searching right now for a way.  I am searching for direction.  It seems that every time I feel I've found my path, it changes on me.  Something nudges me to tell me, "No you need to go a different way.  This is wrong."  

So here I go again.  Just trying to find my way.  

Each turn and twist leads me in the same general direction.  Not the exact direction, but the road seemingly veers off slightly to give me a better view of the world around me.  

I, unfortunately, attended another memorial service yesterday.  It was for a woman who spent her life doing what she could to help other people.  It was never about her.  It was about others.  She was a very loving woman with the largest heart.  She was a bit naive, but it only made her more compassionate for her fellow man.  

There is a man that frequents the soup kitchen I volunteer at, and who manages to attend all of the free dinners/lunches I organize.  His name is Harold.  

He stood up at the memorial and walked to the microphone when it was announced that people could come and share their memories of Carol.  His speech was short and to the point.  He said that he missed Carol very much and that he loved her.  He recalled how giving she was and how she allowed him to do odd jobs around her house.  He repeated again how much he missed her and how much he will always love her.  It brought tears to my eyes.  

After the memorial, my husband and I went out to lunch.  We sat discussing the service and how beautiful it was.  I began to think about how I wanted to be remembered.  Morbid thought, perhaps, but... 

I realized that I wanted to be remembered for helping people.  I do not want to be remembered for how much money I had, the car I drove, the house I lived in or the clothes that I wore.  I want to be remembered for grasping the hand of someone in need and doing what I can to help them.  If I can be remembered for that, I had a pretty good life.  

I suppose this weekend was one that was filled with realizations.  

I also realized that a problem I have been struggling with is one that I should not fret over.  I have accepted the fact that it will be with me for a very long time.  I can accept that.  I can live with how I feel.  It is there.  Some days it makes me feel as if I am walking on air, and other days it makes me feel frustrated.  

This will live in my heart forever and it's okay.  It truly is.  It's a reminder that others see me in a different light than I see myself.  It is a reminder that I am alive inside and it reminds me of the depths of the passion that lives inside of me.  It has awaken a part of me that has been asleep for awhile.  

So I will embrace it.  I will hold on to it and feel it when I need to or simply when I want.  I will probably still feel it when I am old and gray, and that is okay.  It is more than okay.  

I accept.

I embrace.

I do those things because it's mine.  

It's how I feel.

It belongs to no one else but me.  

And it's not shared.

Mine.