Forgive grudgingly, but never forget..
This is my motto. I find it difficult to forgive someone for doing something that caused me to hurt. You see, I hate pain. I hate physical pain and emotional pain. I believe that I can handle physical pain better.
Hubby and I were discussing on Monday night a person that went out of their way to hurt me. It was a pretty nasty incident, and the sad part was that I didn't realize that I was being used in such way that would make my life explode into pieces. It was, by all accounts, a bad scene.
I held a certain position and because of that position, I could allow her to handle a certain event. So, I allowed her to do it. I had no problems with her and neither did my husband at the time. We knew she was a bit "out there", but really.. who is normal? What is normal?
She would phone a couple of times a day to iron out details. She would email four or five times per day. I honestly believed that we were becoming friends. She began to open up to me (or so I thought) and I began to open up to her.
Little did I realize that all that I had said in confidence (it should have been kept confidential --it's what friends do) would be hung out on the line to twist in the wind. After the event was over, the proverbial shit hit the fan. All that I had said was twisted and .. oh god.. it was horrible. I think horrible is an understatement.
I was hammered with accusatory emails. I was accused of things I did not do nor did I say. It went as far as being told that there was a rumor that I was practically an invalid. I am not sure where that came from!
I was devastated. I cried. I hurt. I wondered why it all ended up that way. I still to this day don't know why. I suppose she wanted her moment in the sun and she got it. I gave it to her but in the process she hurt me.
I haven't forgiven her. I have tried, but I find it so difficult to do so. I see people who was tangled up in the aftermath of the event and daggers are shot my way -- even now five years later.
I see her from time to time. She refuses to look at me and I am thankful for that because I am unsure as to whether or not I could hold my tongue. I believe what tweaks me now is the uncomfortable air that exists when I see her husband. I see him on a weekly basis.
I have always believed that every single human being has a good side. I imagine that most people would see me as naive. I suppose I am to an extent. The shock of finding out that people don't always have the best intentions is soul jarring to me.
What she did jarred my soul. I guess since I am writing about it that it still tweaks me. It doesn't make me angry. It makes me sad.
I believe in my heart that all people are capable to treating one another with respect and kindness. When respect and kindness aren't shown, I find it hard to forgive. Once hurt, I will never forget.