The Wicked Queen

 

Forgive grudgingly, but never forget..

This is my motto.  I find it difficult to forgive someone for doing something that caused me to hurt.  You see, I hate pain.  I hate physical pain and emotional pain.  I believe that I can handle physical pain better.  

Hubby and I were discussing on Monday night a person that went out of their way to hurt me.  It was a pretty nasty incident, and the sad part was that I didn't realize that I was being used in such way that would make my life explode into pieces.  It was, by all accounts, a bad scene.  

I held a certain position and because of that position, I could allow her to handle a certain event.  So, I allowed her to do it.  I had no problems with her and neither did my husband at the time.  We knew she was a bit "out there", but really.. who is normal?  What is normal?  

She would phone a couple of times a day to iron out details.  She would email four or five times per day.  I honestly believed that we were becoming friends.  She began to open up to me (or so I thought) and I began to open up to her.  

Little did I realize that all that I had said in confidence (it should have been kept confidential --it's what friends do) would be hung out on the line to twist in the wind.  After the event was over, the proverbial shit hit the fan.  All that I had said was twisted and .. oh god.. it was horrible.  I think horrible is an understatement.  

I was hammered with accusatory emails.  I was accused of things I did not do nor did I say.  It went as far as being told that there was a rumor that I was practically an invalid.  I am not sure where that came from!  

I was devastated.  I cried.  I hurt.  I wondered why it all ended up that way.  I still to this day don't know why.  I suppose she wanted her moment in the sun and she got it.  I gave it to her but in the process she hurt me.  

I haven't forgiven her.  I have tried, but I find it so difficult to do so.   I see people who was tangled up in the aftermath of the event and daggers are shot my way -- even now five years later.  

I see her from time to time.  She refuses to look at me and I am thankful for that because I am unsure as to whether or not I could hold my tongue.  I believe what tweaks me now is the uncomfortable air that exists when I see her husband.  I see him on a weekly basis.  

I have always believed that every single human being has a good side.  I imagine that most people would see me as naive.  I suppose I am to an extent.  The shock of finding out that people don't always have the best intentions is soul jarring to me.  

What she did jarred my soul.  I guess since I am writing about it that it still tweaks me.  It doesn't make me angry.  It makes me sad.  

I believe in my heart that all people are capable to treating one another with respect and kindness.  When respect and kindness aren't shown, I find it hard to forgive.  Once hurt, I will never forget.